Are you a Mad Rural Bastard?

Answer yes to ten of these questions, and you most probably are. Or maybe your just a sexual defiant.


1. Are you a born and bred culchie, still living in the sticks?

2. Are you claiming the dole?

3. When employed, do you still claim the dole?

4. Do you also steal from your employer?

5. Do you hate the government, no matter who is in power, and no matter what good they do?

6. Do you have a list of people you would like to murder hidden under your pillow?

7. Do you have any of the following items hidden under your bed...
- A hurl with barbed wire wrapped around it.
- Fifty pounds worth of old punts, mostly made up of two pence pieces.
- Half a dead badger
- A sperm stained copy of the womans way.

8. Do you get blind drunk more than four times a week?

9. Have you ever been involved in the production or sale of poteen?

10. Have you ever shit in the bed?

11. Do you prefer the company of animals to people?

12. Have you ever sent a letter to the pope pleading with him to add the RTE GUIDE to the list of censored books that Catholics are forbidden to read.

13. Do you keep a wank log?

14. Do you long for the return of Glenroe?

15. Do you consider the Fleadh Ceoil to be a religious pilgrimage?

16. Do you think that we should burn everything belong to England except their coal?

17. Do you get excited during Irish general elections to the point where you turn up naked at the count centre, drunk and determined to cover the walls with your fast approaching shit?

18. Do you think having sex with prostitutes is only wrong if you have to pay for it?

19. Have you ever faked a heart attack to get out of paying in a brothel?

20. Do you think that social drinkers and people who dont drink to get drunk are sly fuckers, and possibly homosexual?

21. Are you on a first name basis with the majority of local tinkers?

22. Do you consider the guards to be your enemy?

23. Do you think that the state owes you a living?

24. Do you long for Irelands first free view porn channel?

25. Have you ever tried to start a mobile sperm bank in the back of a Hi ACE van, suppling potential doners with a tea cup and a copy of the Irish Independents lifestyle supplement?

26. Have you ever been caught pissing in somebodies letterbox while drunk?

27. Have you ever drank a pint of your friends piss believing it to be warm cider?

28. Did you enjoy the piss?

29. Have you ever owned a race sheep?

30. Have you ever managed a country and Irish singer while refering to yourself as 'the Ivory cowboy'?

31. Have you ever dressed up as a ghost and tried to convince a dying senile person to leave you their property in their will?

32. Have you ever tried to make your own lifesized sex doll out of bicycle tyres, ducktape and cardboard?

33. Do you think that Richie Kavanagh should be kept in a zoo after we rip his fucking voice box out?

34. Do you think that PRSI is something you catch if you dont wash your hands when leaving the hospital?

35. Do you love the smell of silage in the morning?

36. Have you considered the physical possibilities of sex with animals?

37. Have you ever accused Gerry Ryan of being the goat fucking, shit eating unholy son of satan?

38. Have you ever tried to push a pensioner off a moving combine harvestor?