Hawk Ivors "History of Ireland" Chp. 7

How we got the Brits out

Artist impression of Tom McLagenlad during great fire

"In 1666 an Irishman by the name of Tom McLagenlad set fire to Britian. The city of London was burnt down before the fire was put under control. The English were not impressed and decided to leave Ireland alone. Eh everyone in the country celebrated for three weeks, drinking the place dry.

In the meantime, an evil shower of bastards called the Pioneer assoication of Ireland , the only people who did not drink, took control of the nation. For fifty years they ruled a dry nation, forcing horrors such as pitchcappings and radio 1 upon the people.

Finally, a young fenian called Arthur Guinness led a rebellion. Aided by Bulmer Hobson, Daniel Budweiser and Rabbi Irvine Carlsberg, they overthrew the regime and placed Boggy Pervertius the Great on the throne as the new High King of Ireland.

This was a bloody disaster. Eh sure Boggy had been dead for a decade at the time enah nah nahhh! Another pint Sean!"

Hawk Ivors "History of Ireland" Chp.6

The Great Porn War

Boggy Pervertius; Hero of the great porn war, seen here

teaching an english noblewoman some manners.

"So the Brits invented their own religion so as not to have to pay tax on Italian beef. By this stage, the Irish hated the Brits, so the whole nation became very catholic very quick. A priest called Fr. Jonah Teabag decided to take advantage of this new found piety and outlawed porn.

This caused outrage. Sure porn is as Irish as bacon and cabbage, harp music and xenophobia. But the political correct were strong.

Eventually a great peoples hero, Boggy Pervertius the Great rose up and led an army on the Irish capital, Athlone. Boggys army threw porn at the natives. Such was the joy of liberation, that orgies actually broke out on the streets of Athlone, something that might be common there today but certainly wasnt back in those days.

The Porn Revolution spread and soon Ireland was once again the porn capital of Europe. Eh long live the porno. Eh more beer Sean!"

Hawk Ivors "History of Ireland" Chp.5

The Great Banana Plantation

Irish Nobleman with captured bananas, circa 1695

"Eh so the Brits decided to plant all of Ireland in Bananas. This was a stupit idea as the climate was wrong, and all the council house fuckers kept eating the bananas. Infact, legend as it that curry sauce was invented in Ireland at this time by a young doler, who mixed bananas, cow shit and dock leaves to create a national favourite.

Jaysus those council estate vermin lived on em. They had some necks....until the english hung them. Enah nah nahh! One day the Mirror ran a story about the banana stealing, referring to the Irish as 'Banana robbing cunts'. The Irish noblemen, whop until then were too drunk to even notice the bananas, felt this to be a major insult to Irelands manhood and promptly rose an army to drive the Brits out.

At the battle of Kinsale, the Irish won a major victory. Finding new found fame on the international circuit, with talks, interviews and lectures, the Irish noblemen emmigrated. Eh the auld tax was high in Ireland. This was known as the Flight of the Hurls, as they took most of the GAAs equipment with them. Due to this, golf, hockey and medievil war were invented. Eh the auld bananas still grow in Ulster. Eh Four green fields, each one wa....fuck it, give us a pint sean."

Everybody Hates Mary Harney

Irelands newest hit sitcom.


"Mary lives with her husband, Mr Harney, and her two adopted sons, Gerry Adams and Ian Paisley. Living next door are annoying neighbours Brian Cowen and his wife John Gormley.
This week, Mary tries to seduce Mr Harney, but cant get the young lads to go to bed. Meanwhile, univited guests are on their way"



Mary: Kids its time for bed.

Ian: Im not going to bed with a papist mammy.

Gerry: Mammy Ians being sectarian again.

Mary: Ian! How many times have I told you? Abide by the good friday agreement.

Ian: But I dont want to. Stupit agreement....boo hoo

Mary: Shut up and get up those stairs ya little bastards.

Kids run upstairs, while Mary moves towards Mr Harney, whos resting in his chair with a cup of good irish tea.

Mary: How about a good shag darling?

Mr Harney: Oh no, now mary you know I only married you so I could get a place for my mother in that home.

Mary: Oh Mr Harney, you find me sexy.

Mr H: No...God No. I find you disgusting. Your a fat fuck.

Mary: Oh.....well I guess its a good job I spiked your tea.

Mr H: You what?

Mary: Yes with viagra and calpol

Mr H: You bit....zzzzzz

Mary: hahaha

Door bell rings

Mary: Damn, who could that be?

Mary opens the door. Its Brian Cowen and his wife John Gormley.

Brian: Hello deputy

John: Alrite my old son? Hows tricks?

Mary: What? Gormley why are you speaking like that? What...what the hell are you wearing?

John: Its a parka jacket. Brian is teaching me to be more appealing to the working class after my parties poor show in the locals. Maybe now the ordinary people wont hate me and throw shit at me as I cycle around dublin.

Brian: Hmm, dont count on it john....ha doesnt he look like rodney from only fools and horses?

Mary: Look...what do you want? Im busy. Mr Harney and I are about to make love.

Brian: Jaysus.

John: Oooohh Mr Harney has a stify.

Gormley rips off Mr Harneys trousers and drops his own, and then mounts Mr Harneys erect penis.

Mary: What the hell are you doing?

John: Im the leader of the green party. We dont advocate waste. And I never....ooohhh....ever .....eeehh ....waste a good boner.

MAry: Stop raping my mr harney.

John: Ohhhhh mary he has good girth....ahhhh

Mary: Get off you cunt

John:Oh....I.....Ahh.....am....getting off....AHHHHHHHHH

Brian: Well atleast I wont have to perform tonight.

Mary: Damn you Gormley, that was the last viagra the HSE had.

John: Actually....thats why we called Mary

Mary:What?

Brian: Yes Mary, its about your row with the pharmacies.

Mary: My row? But Taoiseach, Im only enforcing the governments view through the HSE.

bRIAN: ah yes....well actually MAry, we've decided to let you take the fall for this scandal.

John: You see Mary, everyone with a brain in this country already hates you.

Brian: So we've decided we can win approval by...punishing you.

Mary: Punishing? How?

John: Public flogging.

Mary:Public flogging!?!?!?

Brian: Ah yes...haha...in Grafton street.

Mary:oh....ok I guess...for the good of the government.

Brian: Good, see ya tomorrow so.

Mary is left alone, her semi naked husband still passed out. Suddenly theres a shout from upstairs.

Ian: Mammy I had a nightmare. I dreamt that martin McGuinness was under my bed.

Mary: Ah shit.

Ireland AM (As it appears to me)

Presented by;

Mark "Annoying know all coke addict" Cagney

Token Totty with a mickey mouse UCD degree

Fat Guy

Gay Guy

and introducing....

Bimbo news reader

Mark: Welcome to Ireland AM, the show that fuels the recession. Feeling happy this fine

morning? Stay watching and you'll be ready to OD on panadols before you can say TV3

is shit.

TokenTotty: Thats right Mark, we are the station that depresses the nation. On todays show,

we'll discuss the rising cases of herpes detected in your children. Whos to blame?

tv3 prewatershed soft porn documentaries about tennage transvestites and

miget animal sex or you the parents? On todays show, WE decide.

Mark: And we'll be telling you why you were so wrong to vote no to the Lisbon treaty and how

your terrible judgement has caused the recession, the Iraq war and baby jane falling down

a well. We are the laughing stock of Europe and if you dont vote yes this time, then you

are no better than peadophiles with leprosy.

Mark Cagney; Irelands smuggest bastard

TokenTotty: And we'll be discussing why our viewers are actually small minded xenophobic

porn addicts.

Mark: Fat Guy will have the sport.

Fat Guy: Oh Im so fat and Im doing a sports segment, how ironic.

Mark: And Gay Guy will have the weather.

Gay Guy: Oh darlings...its soo cold, I wish I had someone hot to warm me up. How about you Fat Guy? You wanna be my teddy bear?

Gay Guy; once saw a nude girl and threw up

Fat Guy: Im all man....three hundred pounds of man.

Mark: But first, heres a bimbo we found in an alley behind a whorehouse with the news.

Bimbo: Thanks Mark. Good morning. This just in, Ireland AM is more important than your

children! We tell you how to live as one conforming mass. Break from our rules, and

Jacob will take you into the corn where you'll meet the same fate as the other adults.

Oh and Barack Obama declares world peace blah blah blah....Mark?

Mark: Thank you Bimbo. Now heres a video of me raping a virgin while drinking freshly

sacrificed goats blood on a black alter surrounded by middle class dublin yuppies.

Forget Oxygen.....Its WUDSHOCK '09

WUDSHOCK 2009

The only concert in the world where sex and silage go hand in hand.

Featuring some of the biggest names on the rural entertainment scene today;

* The Poxy Monkeys

* FOLK OFF

* Donny O'Tooles Amazing Performing Ninja Sheep.

* Spunky McQueen (everyones fave west of Ireland transexual)

* John Moore and his battered box.

* The laughing dolemen.

* Cowboys and Latvians ( Latvias second best Country and western act)

* The Connors Tinker Ceile Band (lock up your houses and cars, the Connors family are out on parole)

* Radical Fem-Jism (strictly over 18s, ID or ten euro bribe essential)

* The Garda Band perform a tribute to SlipKnot.

* Bernards Wet Dream (popular 80s disco act)

* Johny and the Nob Inspecters.

*Dri Kuntz (Germanys No1 nationalist agriculture band)

*Red Raw Nob Heads

* The Jolly Racists

* Larry Strawberry and his red arsed sex slave

* Medical cards for forgieners

* Cumin on the Curtains

* Tom Wallace and the Screaming Bollox

* The Ku Klux Klan Love Experience.

and introducing.....

* Paddy Casey- Brown, the voice of Wexford Creamery adverts on south east radio.

BOOK NOW!!LIMITED TICKETS AVAILABLE!!!

THREE DAYS OF DEBAUCHRY IN RURAL IRELAND!!!!!

Get your tickets now on- MADRURALBASTARD.com

+ Hasmycowgotringworm.com

### Legal Disclaimer: The organisers of WUDSHOCK '08 take no responsibility for robberies, murders or political coups that take place during the concert.

Hawk Ivors "History of Ireland" Chp.4

Enter the Hun

"The Irish always knew about England. It was handy for a cheap holiday, and our only source of porn until Boggy Pervertius the Great manage to legalise porn here following the great Porn war. The English never knew we were here until about the 12th century. Eh when they found out, they of course wanted to take over our island, the hun bastards.

At the time, the High King of Ireland was a drunken pig fucker called King Hugh Caven. He was heavily in debt due to a cocaine addiction and a bad greyhound. When he heard about the English and their plans for invasion, he promptly surrender on condition that the english pay off his debt of £2.

So the English took over. Eh the poor fucks had no idea what to do. They wanted a war, and then victory and conquest. This was like cummin in your trousers. Eh that happened to meself before enah nah nahh!

So the English were here. Eh did you give me back my change Sean?"

A guide to hunting Tinkers

Hello folks, and welcome to a guide to hunting tinkers. Tinkers can be identified by their dirty appearance, foul odour and shear ignorance. They may have red hair, hoop ear rings, and generally sound like a jamacian sitcom stuck on fast forward. Other things to look out for when trying to identify tinkers are;

* They will each have ten + children.

* They will try to sell you something, usually something that they have stolen from your neighbours.

* They will attempt to rob you, but in a nice way.

* They will go to the A+E ward of a hospital the same way wild deer will go to a watering hole.

So what are the legal issues involved when hunting tinkers?

Despite what certain libby types say, it is 100% legal to shoot, kill and stuff tinkers, so long as you abide by the following regulations:

* Only hunt them during Tinker hunting season (End of Sept- start of November)

* Insure you have a valid gun license

* Never leave tinker carcasses lying in the open, as they smell.

* Always be humane and finish off wounded tinkers.

So now your all set for some tinker killing fun. Here are a few more tips;

* Tinkers are also refered to as Knackers, jippos, travellors and scum.

* Tinker girls are easy, but full of STDs, so dont fuck them.

* Tinkers make poor pets, and are NOT suitable for milking.

This piece does not represent my true views on travellors. Except for the ones who stole my ducks last month.

Irelands hottest new soap

BOG TV presents, Irelands hottest new soap, COWS.
Critical acclaimed;

"Cows is the sexiest piece of telly Ive seen in years"- Irish Times

"Stunning"- HotPress

"Gave me the horn lookin at it"- Random passer by

THIS WEEK ON COWS....

The young heifers slut up as a new bull arrives...

New Bull: "Hey girls, they call me big Nigel on account of me massive cock. Wanna go chew on
me chud?"
Heifers: "Owww! hehehe"

But how will resident bull, Philip Cedric Bullman, and his apprentice, Bad Jack Bullo respond?

Jack: "Hey faggot! Keep your peticured hoofs off my bitches, you bigshot. Your nothing but a
village bullock"
Nigel: "You wanna piece of me big cock redneck?"
Philip: "Gentlemen please, we are civilised bulls. This behaviour is unbecomming."
Nigel: "Ill be comming soon hahaha"

Emotions run high

Jack: "We cant let the posh bastard get away with this. If he lays one hoof on Mary, so help me"
Philip: "Jack, you must be calm, but I feel I must tell you that....Mary is....well....in calf"
Jack: "Nooooooo! Damn you big Nigel"

And tensions rise

Jack: "You'll never see your calf big Nigel"
Nigel: "Is that a threat?"
Jack: "No....its a promise"

And somethings will never be the same again....

Philip: "My God, they found big Nigel, drowned in the river. Who would have done this?"
Mary: "Who? That bastard Jack"
Jack: "Yeah? prove it you whore"
Mary: "I wont have to. CSI Farmyard are on their way. Your toast Jack."
Jack: "Shit"

Hawk Ivors "History of Ireland" Chp.3

A Viking named Norman

"Sometime about the seventh century, Irish monks started building round towers.

Seeing the Round towers, every thieving cunt in Europe made their way to Ireland, ready to plunder, convinced that the monks must have something of value. Eh Irish Emmigration were'nt impressed and gave these new lads an awful hardtime at the airports. Soon they found out that the forgieners were good for cheap labour and welcomed them as second class citizens.

Over time they became accepted as loveble alcoholics, who were prone to incest. Eh then one day, a drunk viking named Norman crashed his longboat into a fancy pleasure vessel in waterford harbour. The Irish were not impressed and declared war.

A few years later, the Vikings completed the conquering of this island. Eh thats the way. Another one Sean, and a small jemmy aswell eh!"

Me Uncle Mick

The following conversation was recorded via NoseyBarman.2.
This equipement can be located at any public beer dispenser in Eire.

MRB: How are the boys? Give us a pint Sean.

DOOLEY: Good day sir, its been many a day since I laid eyes upon your good self. Have you been ill?

MRB: Not at all. Well the auld stomach has been sore but nothing unusual there. No sure Ive been staying down at CoolStrand.

DOOLEY: CoolStrand?

MRB: CoolStrand. Me Uncle Mick lives down there. Ah sure you wouldnt know Uncle Mick would ya?

DOOLEY: I regret that I cannot say I do.

MRB: Oh a great man. Strong as an ox still, and he sixty years of age, and missing his kidneys, his liver and all his teeth. I tell ya one thing, that man knew hardship.

DOOLEY: Alas, he was born in different times. A different country you might say.

MRB: Aye. Sure he used to plough fields for days at a time, never stopping for a break or a bit of grub. When the horse got tired, he would untie him and pull the plough himself. Sure dont I remember seeing him there nights, naked as the day he was born, pulling the plough in the moonlight.

DOOLEY: Incredible.

MRB: Done his bit for the country too. Whenever the UVF boyos got too close to our side of the border, Uncle Mick was there to give them a good boot up the hole.

DOOLEY: A true patriot son of Erin.

MRB: True. And didnt he and the lads like him make the celtic tiger?

DOOLEY: From how you describe him, I would agree with your statement.

MRB: Anyhow, Uncle Mick was busy down there. He had some of his many contacts from the political and business worlds down for the weekend.

DOOLEY: Really?

MRB: Oh yes, Uncle Mick is a well known player in those circles. Hes also a patron of the arts.

DOOLEY: An amazing gentleman.

MRB: So there were the boyos, all sitting in a semi circle around Uncle Mick. Uncle Mick was leaning against the fireplace with a brandy in his hand, as hes prone to do.

DOOLEY: Indeed.

MRB: Uncle Mick was telling the boyos what was needed to save the country. Hes some patriot me uncle Mick.

DOOLEY: Pray tell, what were his conclusions to the nations problems?

MRB: Well if ya give me a minute. (orders more beer) Uncle Mick suggested to the boyos that the banks would have to start lending money again.

DOOLEY: But surely sir, the banks will not risk such a venture.

MRB: Ah sure, Uncle Mick reckons the government could lend the banks the money, by increasing their revenue.

DOOLEY: By raising taxes no doubt. Or prehaps by cutting the over indulgent state benefits?

MRB: God no. Uncle Mick has a better idea. We'll invade England.

DOOLEY: ah.

MRB: Uncle Mick says they owe us an historical debt. And what with them bogged down in Iraq, their defenses will be weakened. They'll never see us coming.

DOOLEY: Incredible.

MRB: Sure Uncle Mick is a genius.

DOOLEY: When will this historic event take place?

MRB: Ah they're fundraising now. Theres a function in Kiltooley on Friday Night. Theyll disguise it as a charity do of course. You'll buy a ticket.

DOOLEY: Amm

MRB: For the cause?

DOOLEY: Of course.

MRB: And one for the wife?

DOOLEY: Yes.

MRB: Tiocfaidh ar La auld friend.

LOOKIN FOR LOVE BOSS?

Feelin' lonely?
Cant find a partner?
Desparate for someone elses hand to touch your privates?

NO WORRIES BOSS....
For all your secret desires, call.....

JOHNY CONNORS BROTHEL
Main St. Crackmanan

"If your wrist is gettin' sore, Its time for one of Johnys whores"

* Sexy girls, 24/7
* State of the art massage parlour, located in a 40ft trailer.
* Erotic videos and organic lube (slurry)
* No need for protection, Johnys brother Tayto runs Crackmanans No 1 Abortionclinic.
* Handles all fetishs. (Except perverts, gays and English)

But wait, are you afraid of girls.......

Then ring Johnys 24hour sex line. 1800 TINKER

"Always on call boss, so no need for a toss"

Phones are manned 24 hours a day by Johnys wife and sisters.

But wait, theres more........

Thursday nite is ladies nite. Come on down girls, and watch Johnys cousin Pa get down with a dairy cow.

FOLK OFF; greatest hits album

FOLK OFF; The greatest hits of the greatest rebel band of all time!!!" is the latest release from legendery rebel band FOLK OFF. Featuring the greatest hits of their forty year career, and including naked pictures of all the band in the sleeve, this is a sure fire hit as a gift for young or old.

SONGS ON CD;

* "Me hand slipped Mary" (1972) Released after the infamous rape of Taghmon incident.

* "Take the donkey out of the kitchen" (1980) Cautionary tale of letting a donkey into the kitchen.

* "Claymore mines and English girls" (1972) Taken from the multi paltinum album, "Stick your conterceptive pill up your ass, ya pagan English fuckers"

* "Go home Elvis" (196 First top ten hit.* "I saw a hard one in the jacks" (1973) Adopted as a gay anthem until the bands petrol bomb attack on Elton Johns birthday party.

* "Billys machine gun" (1989) Used in the Disney film of the same name.

* "Fuck Louis Walsh" (2005) Released during the height of the gun fued with Westlife.

* "I was only holding the semtex for a friend" (1972) Believed to be a true story.

* "The cavity search" (198 Duet with George Michael.

* "I screwed Maggie Thacthers sheep dog" (1984) Massive No.1 hit.

* "The pole put me on the dole" (200 Current most played song on RacistFM.

* "Which way is the brothel?" (1997) Taken from the "A fiver goes along way in Prague" albumn.

* "The Brits made me wear your knickers" (1982) tale of forced transvestitism.

* "Blowing up the queen" (1975) Reached No1 in Vietnam.

* "I was only lookin' (the peeping tom song)" (2001) Recorded during the bands drugged fueled Ibiza years.

* "Guns and taxmen" (2005) Recorded in response to bands alledged shooting of two taxmen.

* "Hunting Paisley in the garden" (1990) Spent twenty weeks at No.1.

* "Ten years in jail and no male love (Is it the spots on me nob?) (1999) From the Herpes Album

ALSO AVAILABLE IF YOU ORDER ONLINE; These bonus tracks;

* "The ballet of John Moores cows (Released in 1987 as 'Cows on hunger strike')

* "Blowing up the queen" (Hard house remix)

* "Take your hand out of there Bertie".

+* "Bono is a devil worshipper" (The controversial song which led to the band being banned from Slane in 1985)

+ * "Open your hearts, let the Panda Bears in" (The 1990 charity single which tried to raise awareness to the fact that in this day and age, Pandas are still not allowed to attend school)

ORDER NOW YA BOLLIX!

Available from the offical FOLK OFF website ( DisgruntledRacists.com)

Also available on;

* Hasmycowgotringworm.com

* Peeperinthetree.comand

* ReallyShitMusic.net

Down the pub

I was down in the dirty dog last night and the bullshit was flowing as fast as the pints. (Pretty fast considering the dirty dog has the highest ratio of alcos for any pub in Ireland.) All the brains of the parish were there, and a few outsiders too, on tour for the bank holiday. The conversation flowed from GAA talk, to politics, to religion, to weather or not ya would give Mary Harney one. Then the topic turned to the dreaded recession.
This has surely been discussed at length in every pub in Ireland, but had remained an obscure subject here in Crackmanan. After all, during the great heights of the tiger, over half the residents of our little parish were signing on the dole. We considered it our birthright. So I guess unemployment is only a dirty word down here if you mention it in a sentence with 'FAS scheme'. So the recession was brought up in our humble little abode, by an outsider no less, mr John Harper from BallyO.
Well we have some of the finest philosophers who have ever graced this fine earth drinking in the Dirty Dog. Theres Hawk Ivor, The Dull Auld Lord, Tiberius Mahone, Dev McDaid and Funky McGuire, the Alcoholic travelling folk singer,, to name but a few.
Anyway, Mr John Harper says, "Aint it a pity how the auld thing went, what with the unemployment and the young lads stuck with the big morages."
"Well I tell ya one thing Mr John Harper", roars Hawk Ivor, "Theyve only themselves to blame."
As always the collective nod their heads in unison and total agreement with the Hawk.
"Whos to blame?", Mr John Harper asks.
He should have left it.
Hawk slams his near empty pint glass against the counter, a sign that he is mad, and also that he expects someone to buy him another.
"The bloody government, thats who. Letting those lads in here."
"Oh", says Dev McDaid, "its the poles that are to blame"
"Not Poles", Hawk answers, "but Pole. There was only one that brought down the Tiger. One Pollack bastard"
"Hold on", says I, "Are you suggesting that our boomtime economy fell not because of mismanagement or greed, but due to the actions of a single man?"
"No, the actions of a single POLE"
We sit in silence to ponder these revelations. A gasp of shock and outrage is issued by the Dull Auld Lord....or maybe he just threw up.
"You see men, a Pole by the name of Hans Torobalotovic killed the celtic tiger. I wont go into details, because ya probably wouldnt understand. Eh, sure the same fella brought swine flu to ireland."
And there you have it. Maybe Hawk did go into details later. The fact is, I got drunk as a skunk, and cant remember nothing until I woke up in the bath this morning.

Blog from the bog

There are many problems to consider when attempting to write a blog from the bog.
First off, the ESB have given us remote rural dwellers a thing called 'limited access service' which basically means we have to pay our ESB bills while recieving only two hours power a day, if we're lucky.

Then theres the net connection itself. We dont have eircom in the sticks. Not since Mrs Bollard committed suicide after she saw a "talking white banana". So there goes dial up. We also have no mobile broadband because? You guessed it, we live in the sticks.

Then theres another little problem. Remote rural dwellers are supersitious. The idea of a box communicating information scares them, and god knows they're only too ready to grab the pitch forks and the petrol and go on a salem rampage.

What this means is that there is only one active internet point in a fifty mile radius of here. We keep our battered pc hidden in the dull auld lords hay shed.

So is it worth it?

Risking being labled a warlock and getting burned at the stake.
Having to walk four miles through fields of nettles and mutant carnivore sheep just to reach a battered pc.
Having to pay the dull auld lord sexual favours to enter his hay shed.

No, but its better than working, and of course, theres the porn to watch.

But its about more than that.

Like the downtrodden people of China, Venezuela, Cuba...and Cork...
We just want to get our message out.
HELP.

Hawk Ivors "History of Ireland" Chp.2

St Patrick, Fionn McCool and the first wheel

"Eh, Im going to save you sometime and skip the boring bits of Irish history. If ya want to know about monks and stuff, ask Rev. Van Mizenhead. So here is a condensed catch up of Irish history, from pre history to the dark ages.

Eh onegood religious man was St Patrick. In the years before Christ, St Patrick led a vast army of elves, hobbits and men, and drove all the orcs out of Ireland. Eh theres something about a ring too but I forget. I saw a right documentary on it the other night, but I was scuttered. Eh on the beer all day with the dull auld lord. Every year, sometime in March or april, we celebrate Paddys day, to commemorate him getting the Orcs out of Ireland once and for all.

Another good fella was Fionn McCool. In 62AD, he invented the GAA, and with the help of other founding GAA greats, Red Hurley, Cute Cullen, Hugh O' Neill and Blackie Connors; invaded England. It was a complete disaster. As soon as they landed in Fishguard, Fionn got drunk, Blackie got arrested and Red Hurley got crabs, ehah nah nahh!

Shortly afterwards, Cute Cullen invented the wheel. He used it to travel around Ireland, selling hurls and spreading complete bullshit stories about himself. Eh he was a good republican too mind. Another pint Sean!"

Hawk Ivors "The History of Ireland" Chp. 1

Beginning; How the Fenians kicked the shit out of the Apemen

"Eh its a common misconception that Fenians have only existed since the 19th century. Sure the truth is, the boys have been around since the beginning. The first Irishman was Fenian O' Toolbox. He was a grandnephew of Adam, and was reknowned for being good on the fiddle.

One day, Fenian was out picking mushrooms when he noticed five strange creatures, with flat heads, large nasal passages and dim looks about them. Some say that they were the missing link, others say that they were Americans, we may never know. It was some shock for Fenian mind. Imagine waking up in the morning and finding Brian Cowen and his family of Pigmen in your back garden, feasting from your wheely bin and youll get some idea of poor Fenians shock, enah nah nahh!

Eh Fenian, being a good Irishman, called his twenty sons and forty grandsons, and together they massacred the beastmen. That was the first of many victories for the great Fenians, and the beginning of a great little nation that I call home. Eh give us a pint there Sean."

BOG TV

BOG TV listings for Sunday.

Sunday is the only day BOG TV operates as theres too much work to be done during the week, what with thinning beet, shearing sheep and beating wives and children into passive submission.

6:00am; Mickey Connors Kids TV
(The jolly drunken tinker presents two hours of kids games, sock puppets and dealing)

8:00am; Crack Hoors Maths Hour
(Learn to count with addict prozzies)

9:00am; How to Rob and Cheat
(This week, how to claim unmarried mothers allowance when your a 58 year old man)

10:00am; Alcholic Horse and Friends
(Kids fave. AlcoHorse bites Mrs. Farmerwoman)

10:30am; Mass

11:00am; The Nobby Filthmerchant Show
(Nobby brings Rural Irelands whitetrash, tinkers and eastern europeans together
to talk about incest, cheating and sextoys)

12:05pm; TMC: Tinker Masher Championships
(Champ Johnie Connors puts his title on the line)

1:30pm; OAP CHALLENGE
(Pensioners compete for freedom from Old Folks Home)

2:30pm; The Daily Horn
(Afternoon chat)

4:00pm; I likes Rain
(Award winning documentary about people who like rain)

6:00pm; BOG NEWS

7:00pm; Grand Auld Music

8:oopm: BayWatch Ireland
(Bowsey continues his perverted tour of Irelands beaches)

9:00pm: Hawk Ivors History of Ireland
(Hawk discovers that Ian Paisley may have tempted Adam out of the garden of Eden,
and that he himself might be the rightful highking of Ireland)

10:00pm: HardCheese
(Detective series with strong lanuage and the occasional flash of tit)

11:00pm LEGO MOVIE: Lynching at the crossroads
(KKK get up to mischief in Mayo)

12:15am; Bedtime story
(Red Riding Hood read by Enda Kenny)

12:25am; Soft Porn Movie: Toms Curry Cock
(Heartwarming tale of man with penis made of curry)

Folk Off- new album out now

The legendary FOLK OFF,
The Greatest non tax paying rebel band in the world,
New Album out now.....

"Go back to Poland, ya Bastards"

Featuring;

"Refuggees make good fertiliser"
"I rode the Pakistani"
"The Pole shit in me cattle shed"
"Go back to Poland, ya Bastards"
"Theres not enough Dole for the Poles"
"Sure atleast shes not a tinker"
"Sex Trafficing: The crack was good"
"The Estonian Arsehole"

Plus bonus track...

"Uncle Toms CockRing"

Available at all good Rural recordstores and online at...

http://www.hasmycowgotmastitis.com/

All proceeds to anitracism

Are you a Mad Rural Bastard?

Answer yes to ten of these questions, and you most probably are. Or maybe your just a sexual defiant.


1. Are you a born and bred culchie, still living in the sticks?

2. Are you claiming the dole?

3. When employed, do you still claim the dole?

4. Do you also steal from your employer?

5. Do you hate the government, no matter who is in power, and no matter what good they do?

6. Do you have a list of people you would like to murder hidden under your pillow?

7. Do you have any of the following items hidden under your bed...
- A hurl with barbed wire wrapped around it.
- Fifty pounds worth of old punts, mostly made up of two pence pieces.
- Half a dead badger
- A sperm stained copy of the womans way.

8. Do you get blind drunk more than four times a week?

9. Have you ever been involved in the production or sale of poteen?

10. Have you ever shit in the bed?

11. Do you prefer the company of animals to people?

12. Have you ever sent a letter to the pope pleading with him to add the RTE GUIDE to the list of censored books that Catholics are forbidden to read.

13. Do you keep a wank log?

14. Do you long for the return of Glenroe?

15. Do you consider the Fleadh Ceoil to be a religious pilgrimage?

16. Do you think that we should burn everything belong to England except their coal?

17. Do you get excited during Irish general elections to the point where you turn up naked at the count centre, drunk and determined to cover the walls with your fast approaching shit?

18. Do you think having sex with prostitutes is only wrong if you have to pay for it?

19. Have you ever faked a heart attack to get out of paying in a brothel?

20. Do you think that social drinkers and people who dont drink to get drunk are sly fuckers, and possibly homosexual?

21. Are you on a first name basis with the majority of local tinkers?

22. Do you consider the guards to be your enemy?

23. Do you think that the state owes you a living?

24. Do you long for Irelands first free view porn channel?

25. Have you ever tried to start a mobile sperm bank in the back of a Hi ACE van, suppling potential doners with a tea cup and a copy of the Irish Independents lifestyle supplement?

26. Have you ever been caught pissing in somebodies letterbox while drunk?

27. Have you ever drank a pint of your friends piss believing it to be warm cider?

28. Did you enjoy the piss?

29. Have you ever owned a race sheep?

30. Have you ever managed a country and Irish singer while refering to yourself as 'the Ivory cowboy'?

31. Have you ever dressed up as a ghost and tried to convince a dying senile person to leave you their property in their will?

32. Have you ever tried to make your own lifesized sex doll out of bicycle tyres, ducktape and cardboard?

33. Do you think that Richie Kavanagh should be kept in a zoo after we rip his fucking voice box out?

34. Do you think that PRSI is something you catch if you dont wash your hands when leaving the hospital?

35. Do you love the smell of silage in the morning?

36. Have you considered the physical possibilities of sex with animals?

37. Have you ever accused Gerry Ryan of being the goat fucking, shit eating unholy son of satan?

38. Have you ever tried to push a pensioner off a moving combine harvestor?