Hawk Ivors "History of Ireland" Chp. 7

How we got the Brits out

Artist impression of Tom McLagenlad during great fire

"In 1666 an Irishman by the name of Tom McLagenlad set fire to Britian. The city of London was burnt down before the fire was put under control. The English were not impressed and decided to leave Ireland alone. Eh everyone in the country celebrated for three weeks, drinking the place dry.

In the meantime, an evil shower of bastards called the Pioneer assoication of Ireland , the only people who did not drink, took control of the nation. For fifty years they ruled a dry nation, forcing horrors such as pitchcappings and radio 1 upon the people.

Finally, a young fenian called Arthur Guinness led a rebellion. Aided by Bulmer Hobson, Daniel Budweiser and Rabbi Irvine Carlsberg, they overthrew the regime and placed Boggy Pervertius the Great on the throne as the new High King of Ireland.

This was a bloody disaster. Eh sure Boggy had been dead for a decade at the time enah nah nahhh! Another pint Sean!"

Hawk Ivors "History of Ireland" Chp.6

The Great Porn War

Boggy Pervertius; Hero of the great porn war, seen here

teaching an english noblewoman some manners.

"So the Brits invented their own religion so as not to have to pay tax on Italian beef. By this stage, the Irish hated the Brits, so the whole nation became very catholic very quick. A priest called Fr. Jonah Teabag decided to take advantage of this new found piety and outlawed porn.

This caused outrage. Sure porn is as Irish as bacon and cabbage, harp music and xenophobia. But the political correct were strong.

Eventually a great peoples hero, Boggy Pervertius the Great rose up and led an army on the Irish capital, Athlone. Boggys army threw porn at the natives. Such was the joy of liberation, that orgies actually broke out on the streets of Athlone, something that might be common there today but certainly wasnt back in those days.

The Porn Revolution spread and soon Ireland was once again the porn capital of Europe. Eh long live the porno. Eh more beer Sean!"

Hawk Ivors "History of Ireland" Chp.5

The Great Banana Plantation

Irish Nobleman with captured bananas, circa 1695

"Eh so the Brits decided to plant all of Ireland in Bananas. This was a stupit idea as the climate was wrong, and all the council house fuckers kept eating the bananas. Infact, legend as it that curry sauce was invented in Ireland at this time by a young doler, who mixed bananas, cow shit and dock leaves to create a national favourite.

Jaysus those council estate vermin lived on em. They had some necks....until the english hung them. Enah nah nahh! One day the Mirror ran a story about the banana stealing, referring to the Irish as 'Banana robbing cunts'. The Irish noblemen, whop until then were too drunk to even notice the bananas, felt this to be a major insult to Irelands manhood and promptly rose an army to drive the Brits out.

At the battle of Kinsale, the Irish won a major victory. Finding new found fame on the international circuit, with talks, interviews and lectures, the Irish noblemen emmigrated. Eh the auld tax was high in Ireland. This was known as the Flight of the Hurls, as they took most of the GAAs equipment with them. Due to this, golf, hockey and medievil war were invented. Eh the auld bananas still grow in Ulster. Eh Four green fields, each one wa....fuck it, give us a pint sean."

Everybody Hates Mary Harney

Irelands newest hit sitcom.


"Mary lives with her husband, Mr Harney, and her two adopted sons, Gerry Adams and Ian Paisley. Living next door are annoying neighbours Brian Cowen and his wife John Gormley.
This week, Mary tries to seduce Mr Harney, but cant get the young lads to go to bed. Meanwhile, univited guests are on their way"



Mary: Kids its time for bed.

Ian: Im not going to bed with a papist mammy.

Gerry: Mammy Ians being sectarian again.

Mary: Ian! How many times have I told you? Abide by the good friday agreement.

Ian: But I dont want to. Stupit agreement....boo hoo

Mary: Shut up and get up those stairs ya little bastards.

Kids run upstairs, while Mary moves towards Mr Harney, whos resting in his chair with a cup of good irish tea.

Mary: How about a good shag darling?

Mr Harney: Oh no, now mary you know I only married you so I could get a place for my mother in that home.

Mary: Oh Mr Harney, you find me sexy.

Mr H: No...God No. I find you disgusting. Your a fat fuck.

Mary: Oh.....well I guess its a good job I spiked your tea.

Mr H: You what?

Mary: Yes with viagra and calpol

Mr H: You bit....zzzzzz

Mary: hahaha

Door bell rings

Mary: Damn, who could that be?

Mary opens the door. Its Brian Cowen and his wife John Gormley.

Brian: Hello deputy

John: Alrite my old son? Hows tricks?

Mary: What? Gormley why are you speaking like that? What...what the hell are you wearing?

John: Its a parka jacket. Brian is teaching me to be more appealing to the working class after my parties poor show in the locals. Maybe now the ordinary people wont hate me and throw shit at me as I cycle around dublin.

Brian: Hmm, dont count on it john....ha doesnt he look like rodney from only fools and horses?

Mary: Look...what do you want? Im busy. Mr Harney and I are about to make love.

Brian: Jaysus.

John: Oooohh Mr Harney has a stify.

Gormley rips off Mr Harneys trousers and drops his own, and then mounts Mr Harneys erect penis.

Mary: What the hell are you doing?

John: Im the leader of the green party. We dont advocate waste. And I never....ooohhh....ever .....eeehh ....waste a good boner.

MAry: Stop raping my mr harney.

John: Ohhhhh mary he has good girth....ahhhh

Mary: Get off you cunt

John:Oh....I.....Ahh.....am....getting off....AHHHHHHHHH

Brian: Well atleast I wont have to perform tonight.

Mary: Damn you Gormley, that was the last viagra the HSE had.

John: Actually....thats why we called Mary

Mary:What?

Brian: Yes Mary, its about your row with the pharmacies.

Mary: My row? But Taoiseach, Im only enforcing the governments view through the HSE.

bRIAN: ah yes....well actually MAry, we've decided to let you take the fall for this scandal.

John: You see Mary, everyone with a brain in this country already hates you.

Brian: So we've decided we can win approval by...punishing you.

Mary: Punishing? How?

John: Public flogging.

Mary:Public flogging!?!?!?

Brian: Ah yes...haha...in Grafton street.

Mary:oh....ok I guess...for the good of the government.

Brian: Good, see ya tomorrow so.

Mary is left alone, her semi naked husband still passed out. Suddenly theres a shout from upstairs.

Ian: Mammy I had a nightmare. I dreamt that martin McGuinness was under my bed.

Mary: Ah shit.

Ireland AM (As it appears to me)

Presented by;

Mark "Annoying know all coke addict" Cagney

Token Totty with a mickey mouse UCD degree

Fat Guy

Gay Guy

and introducing....

Bimbo news reader

Mark: Welcome to Ireland AM, the show that fuels the recession. Feeling happy this fine

morning? Stay watching and you'll be ready to OD on panadols before you can say TV3

is shit.

TokenTotty: Thats right Mark, we are the station that depresses the nation. On todays show,

we'll discuss the rising cases of herpes detected in your children. Whos to blame?

tv3 prewatershed soft porn documentaries about tennage transvestites and

miget animal sex or you the parents? On todays show, WE decide.

Mark: And we'll be telling you why you were so wrong to vote no to the Lisbon treaty and how

your terrible judgement has caused the recession, the Iraq war and baby jane falling down

a well. We are the laughing stock of Europe and if you dont vote yes this time, then you

are no better than peadophiles with leprosy.

Mark Cagney; Irelands smuggest bastard

TokenTotty: And we'll be discussing why our viewers are actually small minded xenophobic

porn addicts.

Mark: Fat Guy will have the sport.

Fat Guy: Oh Im so fat and Im doing a sports segment, how ironic.

Mark: And Gay Guy will have the weather.

Gay Guy: Oh darlings...its soo cold, I wish I had someone hot to warm me up. How about you Fat Guy? You wanna be my teddy bear?

Gay Guy; once saw a nude girl and threw up

Fat Guy: Im all man....three hundred pounds of man.

Mark: But first, heres a bimbo we found in an alley behind a whorehouse with the news.

Bimbo: Thanks Mark. Good morning. This just in, Ireland AM is more important than your

children! We tell you how to live as one conforming mass. Break from our rules, and

Jacob will take you into the corn where you'll meet the same fate as the other adults.

Oh and Barack Obama declares world peace blah blah blah....Mark?

Mark: Thank you Bimbo. Now heres a video of me raping a virgin while drinking freshly

sacrificed goats blood on a black alter surrounded by middle class dublin yuppies.

Forget Oxygen.....Its WUDSHOCK '09

WUDSHOCK 2009

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Featuring some of the biggest names on the rural entertainment scene today;

* The Poxy Monkeys

* FOLK OFF

* Donny O'Tooles Amazing Performing Ninja Sheep.

* Spunky McQueen (everyones fave west of Ireland transexual)

* John Moore and his battered box.

* The laughing dolemen.

* Cowboys and Latvians ( Latvias second best Country and western act)

* The Connors Tinker Ceile Band (lock up your houses and cars, the Connors family are out on parole)

* Radical Fem-Jism (strictly over 18s, ID or ten euro bribe essential)

* The Garda Band perform a tribute to SlipKnot.

* Bernards Wet Dream (popular 80s disco act)

* Johny and the Nob Inspecters.

*Dri Kuntz (Germanys No1 nationalist agriculture band)

*Red Raw Nob Heads

* The Jolly Racists

* Larry Strawberry and his red arsed sex slave

* Medical cards for forgieners

* Cumin on the Curtains

* Tom Wallace and the Screaming Bollox

* The Ku Klux Klan Love Experience.

and introducing.....

* Paddy Casey- Brown, the voice of Wexford Creamery adverts on south east radio.

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### Legal Disclaimer: The organisers of WUDSHOCK '08 take no responsibility for robberies, murders or political coups that take place during the concert.

Hawk Ivors "History of Ireland" Chp.4

Enter the Hun

"The Irish always knew about England. It was handy for a cheap holiday, and our only source of porn until Boggy Pervertius the Great manage to legalise porn here following the great Porn war. The English never knew we were here until about the 12th century. Eh when they found out, they of course wanted to take over our island, the hun bastards.

At the time, the High King of Ireland was a drunken pig fucker called King Hugh Caven. He was heavily in debt due to a cocaine addiction and a bad greyhound. When he heard about the English and their plans for invasion, he promptly surrender on condition that the english pay off his debt of £2.

So the English took over. Eh the poor fucks had no idea what to do. They wanted a war, and then victory and conquest. This was like cummin in your trousers. Eh that happened to meself before enah nah nahh!

So the English were here. Eh did you give me back my change Sean?"